“There’s a toilet paper calculator,” their headline on March 23 read, “that cuts through ‘Mega’ and ‘Jumbo’ Marketing Claims.’” And I was happy to see that the New York Times - the Gray Lady, the newspaper of record - agrees. Having stated my priorities - single-ply, a generously sized roll, fragrance-free, competitively priced - there’s only one brand that meets all those requirements. I’m happy to go with beige or even polka dot if it’ll save a few trees. I will say, however, that I couldn’t care less whether my toilet paper is snowy white or not. I’m not going to address the issue of recycled toilet paper, though I have no doubt standup comics could probably have a field day with it and undoubtedly already have. Generous pulls of one-ply creates a sensation of abundance and allows for greater margin of error. But I’m no good at the advanced calculus involved in factoring thickness while unspooling the roll. You’re trying to create as much distance between you and the problem as possible without causing your septic system to commit suicide. What I mean is that whether I’m using wafer thin toilet paper or something as thick as a beach towel I tend to unroll the same length of paper. I’m not talking about a new roll’s tendency to tear off one sheet at a time, though that’s pretty maddening. One-ply or two-ply? For me it’s all about the pull. But in the same way that the smell of Ivory soap evokes ancient memories, your family’s default brand provides a sense of security that other contenders won’t. I don’t remember there being nearly as many choices when I was a child. People, admittedly, can change and so has toilet paper culture. You’d probably discover that people tend to use the same brand they grew up with. I don’t think enough credit is given to heredity when it comes to selecting a brand of toilet tissue. But don’t kid yourself you’re not fooling anybody when you go to the bathroom. If a courtesy flush is required, go for it. I’m sorry, but some chemical concoction created to mimic a spring breeze just doesn’t cut it. But toughen up, man!ĭitto scented toilet roll. That’s not to say it shouldn’t be comfortable. Nonetheless, who needs toilet paper the texture of velvet, the Charmin bear notwithstanding? Going potty was never supposed to be an all-day affair. They’re charging you good money to squat. Have you ever visited a train station in, say Marseille, and had to pay for the privilege of using the toilet only to discover your investment didn’t include a seat and sometimes not even a toilet. Sidewalk cafes, flying buttresses (on medieval cathedrals), the bidet! But advanced toilet paper technology isn’t among them. European culture has a lot to recommend it. I’ve experienced dispensers, perhaps in Europe, where the sheets emerged one at a time and they were so shiny and unabsorbent that they defeated the purpose. Obviously, you don’t want tissue the consistency of sand paper. Let’s take the features associated with toilet paper one at a time starting with softness. But I’m happy to stipulate to anything that promotes my point of view. And now comes word from science that over is actually better for you because under spreads bacteria more efficiently. Reaching under is impractical especially if time is of the essence. It seems a no-brainer that it should hang over so you don’t have to grope around for the top tissue. For the sake of brevity, as well as family harmony, I think it best to circumvent completely the fraught topic of whether toilet paper should hang over or under.
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